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Along The Vast

Ocean. Space. Mind.

Lahat ng Ikaw

Akala ko ay kaya kitang makalimutan
Ngunit ang hindi pagala-ala
ng naramdaman ko sa’yo
ay isang kasalanan

Sapagkat minsan lamang dumating
ang ganitong karanasan
At wala nang tutumbas pa yata
sa lahat ng segundong inilaan ko
para isipin ka

Hindi kita kayang kalimutan
Ang gagawin ko na lamang ay
alalalahanin ka lagi’t-lagi
hanggang sa mapagod ang
utak at katawan

Bago mangyari ang lahat ng iyon,
sana’y masanay ako na
hindi ka na maiisip at makikita pa

Ngunit nais ko lamang sabihin na
pilit ko mang limutin ka,
ang buong ako ay laging maaalala
ang lahat ng ikaw

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To Find Love or To Find Home

There’s this person I really like for at least three years now who doesn’t even know me personally. I don’t know the reasons though on why do I still keep on thriving on that feeling. That despite knowing the fact that nothing may ever happen between us, I still dwell on my illusions.

Maybe I just want to find love.

Living for twenty years now, I still don’t know the feeling of being in love – that is if you describe love as something between two unrelated people. So following that definition, I am pushing myself to “love”, to the point that I tend to forget myself and the people around me.

Maybe I got the wrong definition of love.

To be honest, having no one makes me feel miserable. Just thinking about how I would probably end up alone makes me even sadder. Not that I’m talking about love exclusively. I also mean friends or acquitances that can listen to all my nonsense.

Maybe I’m not really looking for love.

At the end of the day, I just want someone to listen to me – whatever my relationship with them. But lately, I can’t even speak. My presence is there, with the people I can call my friends, but my mind still lingers to the love I’m looking for. Or is it love?

Maybe I’m looking for home.

Wherever I go, I still feel out of place. Regardless of the people I am with, I still feel like I am not welcome. I would walk alone on empty hallways just to get out of whatever place I have been and just to be alone.

Maybe I just want to feel home.

I don’t care if it’s the person that I like for so long now or any friend that I have – I just want to feel home. Maybe it’s not really love that is on my mind. Maybe I just want somebody who I can call my home.

I just want to find home.

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Another

All these years of loving you
will not fulfill the destiny
that looms behind me

Whatever it is,
it won’t let the two of us
to be together in this world

I on the the line of always wanting,
you on the line of never knowing

So in cursing this cruel fate,
I imagine an alternate world
where our lines finally meet

But to conceive such thing
is much crueler than facing
this reality I have

The actuality of
I, who will always love, and
I, who will never know

You, who will never see, and
You, who will always be out of my world

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Fifth Haiku

I’m not wounded but
why am I hurting this much?
Please ease my pain now

Haiku 4

If you come inside,
you will know all that’s within
So don’t pull out now

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Haiku Three

Tick tock – I hear drops
Is it the rain or the clock?
Time is pouring out

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There’s Something Wrong

It’s not that I want to have something wrong with me, but sometimes knowing that there’s really something wrong is comforting.

Like, you know there’s something wrong with you – you can feel it, you can sense it, but you don’t have any proof. Knowing there’s something’s wrong yet doubting it? It’s irritating. It’s exhausting.

So when you have a definite proof that there’s really something wrong, you just kind of accept it. Because at least then you know you’re right. At least then you know you’re not just imagining things.

Am I imagining things?

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Night #10

Sometimes I think of hurting myself because at least then I know the cause of my pain

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Small things

Sometimes you just want to do something just to overcome the sadness that’s been eating you. It’s not something necessarily big, it’s something even just small. Small things like fixing up your bed, playing your favorite video game, or going out of your house. You thought if you do these small things, you will eventually forget the sadness you have. You didn’t.

So what should you do? Do you continue doing something small or do something big?

You thought that if you just do something even so small, you’d be happy. But no, sadness is just around waiting for your return.

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